Strip Club Chronicles Pt. 1

Me and my friends, well at least the ones that I like the most, fully enjoy all that life has to offer: Strip Clubs.  More than occasionally we end up at a Strip Club while out and about. This is the first collection of some of the funnier/ weirder things that have happened while we were patronizing these fine establishments.

In Nuremburg, Germany: It was my first time out with some of the new guys I worked with. We wandered around Nuremberg drinking for a few hours until we ended up at a hole in the wall strip club. We are having a great time, most of the girls are hanging out at our table and me and my new buddies are being typical charming gentlemen.

This one stripper kept trying to get us to buy a dance from her. She… and I use the term “she” VERY loosely was the grossest “woman” I have ever seen in my life, and I was drunk. While she was on a stage three feet away from us we kept loudly talking about how we were all pretty sure she was a man. Andrew got up and loudly asked her if she was in fact a man. She decided to answer this by pulling her thong to the side to which Andrew responded “SHE DOESN’T HAVE A DICK”. All of us that came with him lost our minds and started cheering, which made the stripper in question not pleased with us. Luckily everyone else at the club was still a fan of us.

Same Strip Club, Different Night: We were sitting at a booth with a few guys from work and a few more strippers. We are all drinking and bullshitting when this Czech Porn Star comes on stage. As she starts “performing” the entire club pretty much comes to a halt. She is on stage with two dildos and proceeds double penetrate herself, then they both go in her mouth, then she goes back to dping herself. It was quite a show. When PornStar finished we actually started a standing ovation. What a performance.

A short while after that there was another stripper that wanted to come and sit in the middle of the booth and hang out with us. Well since nobody wanted to move she just took it upon herself and started climbing over the table. Oh I forgot, she wasn’t let’s say… in the featherweight category. Halfway through her struggle to make it over the table the top rocks violently in one direction and throws all the drinks on the table all over everyone. There wasn’t one dry person in the booth.

So now there is broken glass and liquor sloshing around on the table in front of us. It was around the time of us looking for paper towels that we notice ChunkyStripper cut her ass on a piece of broken glass and is dripping blood on the booth.  Luckily Andrew found some paper towels so he put pressure on that ass wound to try to stop the bleeding.

What does ChunkyStripper do? Thank us for attending to her medical needs? Apologize and replace the drinks that she spilled? Of course not. She proceeds to tell the bouncers that we are the cause of the alcohol volcano that erupted all over this establishment. It went from having a great time to trying to convince the abominable Russian bouncer that we shouldn’t be getting kicked out. Luckily we can be very convincing when we are boozed up and managed to talk our way into staying.

In Connecticut: I was home for a two week vacation and wanted to spend some time with my family. Two of my uncles, Bub and TheUncle along with their wives invited me and my sister out to a bar towards the end of my vacation. After having approximately one beer the two uncles brought up the idea of going to a strip club and away we went. We all arrive in separate cars and as we meet at the door we decided to ignore the bullet holes that were in the front door, violence or threats of violence can’t deter me from alcohol.

We all make our way to the stage after getting drinks and singles. At our seats I start to instruct in the fine art of tipping the strippers. I show them how to race their dollars, that’s where two people each put a dollar on an ass cheek of the stripper and was she bounces her ass the one that stays on the longest is the winner. I also threw a dollar at a stripper and it hit her right in the chest as I yelled
“BAM”. At this point the stripper collapsed and screamed that she had been shot. Ah, memories.

A few strippers later, the girl on stage openly pulled out a nip of vodka and shoots it. After she choked that down she came up to me and whispered in my ear.

BlondeStripper – “If you tip five dollars, I’ll light my nipples on fire.”

Now this I had to see. I immediately throw five singles at her and tell her to get to work. BlondeStripper pulls out a matchbook and takes out two matches. She licks the cardboard end of the match and bends it in half and proceeds to clamp a match on each nipple and then lights them with her thumb. Everyone was so impressed we just watched the matches slowly burn towards her nipples. BlondeStripper started to get a little nervous and started to ask if one of us were going to blow them out. TheUncle’s Wife took some drunken initiative and blew them out, saving Blonde Stripper from first degree burns.

Now that BlondeStripper has warmed us all up and after TheUncle’s wife repeatedly told her that I was in the military. She decided to show me the shittiest little star tattoo on top her vagina. It looked like she did it herself with a sowing needle and some blue ink. After the multiple times she kept having her kitty-kat poke out and say hello to me she leaned over and said this gem.

BlondeStripper – “Now that you have seen the star, do you wanna see the whole milky way?”

All I could think of at this point was if she was going to refer to her own vagina as the milky way that can only mean either A – it is huge, or B – she is referring to the candy and it is cream filled. Either way didn’t exactly interest me.  After I showed a lack of interest in her she decided to go to the two wives that were there.

BlondeStripper – “I smell a threesome. I’m one, (points behind me) two, (points to the wives) and either of you can be three.”

I got sort of interested in where this was going when I turned around and saw not another stripper there, which I assumed, but the 6’ 6” 300 lbs. bouncer standing behind me. I just gasped and said “Ohh” and he just nodded and gave me a “What up”.

Very shortly after this all went down a few members of the group decided to call it a night since none of us wanted to actually fuck the bouncer.

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