To cut or not to cut

Growing up, you have to go through a lot in order to learn about yourself. Now, some of the more awkward things to learn about are usually picked up on between parents (good ol’ birds and bees story) and things that are told to you from friends growing up (those are usually the stories that are a little less than true).  Now while I’ve heard the birds and the bees talk from my mother, which was extremely awkward and I vaguely remember it. This all happened when I was around 12 or 13 and now I thought I knew everything there was to know about sex.

Flash forward to sometime in the summer of my junior year of high school, while I was watching Nip/Tuck on FX. It was an episode when the main character’s son was dating this girl who would not have sex with because he wasn’t circumcised or some shit. He then proceeded to do it himself, in his room while drunk on wine and ended up botching his “surgery”. Up until that exact moment I had no idea that penis’ were either cut or uncut. I just thought they were all the same. Now I start to panic and spend the remainder of my night in a dark room with the glow of the computer screen staring back at me. Extremely paranoid and worrying someone will come and find me staring at all types of dicks on the internet while I search for the truth.

After a very long and veiny experience on the internet where I saw every type of dick imaginable and after reading all types of articles, including one where I would be a better lover because I was uncut, I decided that it was time for some sleep, hoping that those images would not haunt my dreams.

Flash Forward to my chemistry class about three months later: For some reason we got into a discussion about circumcisions, led by this girl Susan, and what an uncut dick looks like and how all these girls in my class would never have sex with a guy that had foreskin. Queue the self-consciousness that comes with being an insecure teenage. Fuck me right….I mean I guess not.

Well, life has a funny way of always working out. After I dated a girl for most of junior and senior year we all graduated (some of us barely), I had sex and the girl didn’t seem to mind, besides the fact that I thought I lost the condom inside her (that story will be told later) so I thought I would be fine in the real world. But when I had the opportunity to fuck Susan later that year I figured this would be my chance to not only change her mind but set a precedent. Just like David vs. Goliath. Except Goliath was going to cum… a lot.

Really nothing of interest happened, she came over and was acting coy and then a half hour later we were hooking up, for the first couple of times I sort of tried to hide the tip of my dick. Turns out I was not hiding it well.

Susan – “Ryan, stop trying to hide the fact you’re uncut. It doesn’t matter.”

No problem. Eventually this hooking up turned into the somewhat typical sexual experimenting, probably with a little more than average BDSM. Which turned into her faking being pregnant and going through these elaborate plans to try to hide the pregnancy tests.Which turned into her sort of going crazy and threatening to cut herself and then sending me pictures of her with a knife pressed up against her skin. Which prompted me to go to her place and keep fucking her… I don’t want to say back to sanity, but I think at the time that’s how I felt. What can I say? I’m kind hearted.

Maybe my previous statement of life having a funny way of working out was too soon?

Eventually I got rid of her by running over her foot with my car (by accident) while she was trying to get me to stay at her house. Then I just stopped picking up my phone who knew it would be that simple.

Moral of the Story: Yes, I am circumcised.

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