It was time for me to go home, I mean why not; great friends and family, people
pay for my booze, and I am guaranteed sex… well most of the time.
Friday night TheUncle and I decide to take a few family members out to a nice
dinner. Starts off innocent enough,
until me, TheUncle, and Uncleswife are all drunk before we finish dinner. It’s only like 8 so we head to a local bar.
We all order a beer, and Uncleswife got intimidated by a not-so-attractive
bartender. This sparks a discussion
about eating strange.
Uncleswife – “I think guys go down on girls before they have sex with them.”
TheUncle – “What?! No that’s not true at all.”
Me – “First off, you don’t eat strange. Secondly, only dumb kids in high school
who have never been laid do that shit.”
We finish our beers and walk a few blocks to a hole in the wall bar which is
packed. The three of us head to the bar and TheUncle acts as my wingman as we
talk to these two women. They buy me drinks since I’m in the service, which
works for me. We’re having a good time,
then a few more of my buddies show up to hang out. I ignore the woman, have a
few more beers, and then we end up taking off because I want to dance. By this
point I am trashed but I don’t even know it.
We all arrive at the next bar get in, and start drinking, nobody here is
dancing. I wait until a good song comes
on and walk over to this girl who has been watching me. We start dancing, I
have good game (or she could be a slut with low self –esteem, that’s what we
call a win-win) so she starts feeling me up on the dance floor. It was at this point that a buddy of mine, Animal
shows up and starts buying me shots of whiskey and tequila. I mean who am I to
turn down free shots? So I proceed to do the 4 or 5 shot that he buys me. At this point it is like midnight, and
TheUncle is getting ready to leave and wants me to come with him. I have never, and I mean NEVER, had TheUncle
tell me to slow down or stop drinking, usually it’s the opposite. He was almost
trying to force me to leave, I was that drunk. But I held strong and stayed
with Animal… and the story continues.
Me – “So you want to get out of here?”
DancingGirl – “I’m not that kind of girl.”
Me – “To bad, that’s the kind of girl I like.”
Animal and I decided to bounce to a club where Amy (the girl from Eskimo Sex,
Fireworks, and Funny Sex) is hanging out at.
On the way there, I have to throw up, so what do I do? Instead of having the Animal pull over, I just
puke into my hat which I leave over my lap. Here is a little known fact: hats
do not hold vomit very well. The hat
leaks all over his car and my lap, so I throw it out the window. Unfortunately
I still have to throw up. Since there is no more hat I do the next best thing,
I start throwing up out the window, but I’m looking into the wind so its
hitting me in the face, and getting all over the outside of the car. Animal’s response? “Don’t be a pussy, puke
and rally, I’ve been worse.”
Puke and Rally is exactly what I do. We make
it to the bar that Amy is at and the first thing I do is walk up to her and
start making out with her. After about
20 minutes of dancing/making out with her. I tell her I threw up right before I
got to the bar. She isn’t all that
offended, classy right? But who am I to judge.
We keep dancing, I am shit-housed and having a blast. As Amy and I are dancing I start talking to a
group of people all dancing around.
Me – “WOOOO”
Random Guy – “Having Fun?”
Me – (Pointing to Amy) “I’m totally going to fuck her tonight!”
Well, I end up eating my words, but more on that later. Two o’clock rolls around and
we all roll outside. I am drunk as hell
and end up wandering around the outside of the bar. After about 10 minutes
everyone else is gone and I am in front of the bar without Animal. Everyone
else that I knew at the bar also left.
And my cell phone was dead.
I start to panic, so I do the only reasonable thing I can think of: find a police officer and ask to
use their cell phone. I call a cab and end up waiting with these cops for like
20 minutes trying to act semi-sober, which ended up working out pretty well
It takes about 2 hours for me to get home. The cab driver gets lost about a DOZEN FUCKING TIMES!
Luckily I knew how to get back to my house and he also doesn’t make me pay
since he served in the military. Bonus!
At this point it is like 4:30 in the morning and I am furious. I charge my phone and listen to the
voicemails I got. All two of them, both from Amy. Thanks Animal….Dick. So I end
up calling Amy back and we get into a fight over the phone. But apparently,
drunk horny Ryan is still pretty convincing.
Amy – “Are you sure you’re going to be awake?”
Me – “I promise! Just come over.”
Amy – “Ok, I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”
My thought at 4:30 am: Wooo! Sex Time!
Next thought at 9:30 am: Fuck…
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, yes I left her on my front steps. I awoke to 2 voicemails and a
number of texts that got increasingly angry every 2 minutes. I call her up and
try to make amends but she was very pissed off.
Maybe I have really good game, or she has really low expectations of
men. Either way it works out for me. She agreed to come over that night.
Once I get off the phone with her I walk into my kitchen where my mother is making coffee.
Mother – “Hey Ryan, I found a pair of your shorts on the front step.”
Me – “Oh, haha, Amy came over last night to drop them off.”
Mother – “And she left them on the steps?”
Me – “Yea, I was really drunk and tried to get her to have sex with me. I passed out
when she came over. But she’ll be over
Mother – (Rolls eyes) “You’ve got a keeper…”