It had been awhile since I had been home to see my family. I decided to take a little trip on the long July 4th weekend to come and see everyone and party it up a little bit. My plan of partying it up a little bit turned into me being very fucking drunk for about three days.
I started my day by just relaxing, I ended up playing video games with my family. At around 6 we ordered some food and started off with a few beers. Flash forward to 9 and I’m talking about all things sex related with my mother, aunt, and sister. Got to love alcohol. I ended up leaving with my sister to go meet up with my uncle, his family, and a few friends to watch fireworks. The fireworks lasted maybe thirty minutes and in that time I pounded a few beers, ate half a can of alcohol infused whip cream (which is awesome), and drank some baileys out of a bottle.
By this point, I was feeling the effects of alcohol and loving it. The show ended and we started to leave but traffic was insane and we were waiting in traffic for awhile, so I decided to keep drinking and start being obnoxious. I did various things as jump onto the back of peoples trucks, directing traffic, and shouting at women with children. I was being “that” guy.
We get back to my uncle’s house at around 10, build a bonfire, and all start bullshitting. At one point in the middle of our conversation I notice Greg and his wife are no where to be found. So I inquire as to their whereabouts. Uncle tells me that they are inside trying to sleep and that I should go inside to wake them up – naked. Now something I should tell you about me and my uncle is that when we drink together, there is no reasonable person between us, and I usually think everything that comes out of his mouth is a great idea.
So here I am, butt ass naked in his yard, running to the house when out comes Greg.
Greg – “What the fuck man.”
Me – “ I’m naked.”
If I was sober I think him getting a full frontal view of myself naked would have explained that. But at this point in the night I was closer to liver failure than being sober.
I walk back over to get my clothes, I’m pretty sure everyone was impressed, but that’s just me.
It is now around 11, and Greg and Uncle need to go and Greg’s dogs and I tag along for the ride. On the way to Greg’s house we stop at a favorite local bar of ours and have a beer and a shot or two. I tell some stories to them, and try to convince my uncle to come visit me and be my wingman. Next thing I remember is getting in the truck, all three of us in the front seat, drinking out of a bottle, as we head around town blasting Snoop Dogg. All three of us are belting out the words at the top of our lungs. Shit-faced? I think so.
We get the dogs and head back to Uncles. Rapping with Snoop the whole way. When we get back the bonfire has pretty much died, and everyone is very drunk. My uncle’s wife, starts talking to me about this older woman I hooked up with. Then she fills me in on the fact that they all kind of hooked up. This upsets me greatly, as me and my uncle and his wife and all Eskimo brothers/sister. I am also upset because now I feel like my cougar accomplishment does not count as much.
As I come to both of these conclusions we make a group decision to gather everyone and head out to another bar. The bar wasn’t to far and in the car I talked with UncleSisInLaw a little bit.
Somehow the topic of her using a dildo and how one time she fell asleep while using it. This immediately makes me not want to talk with her and I tell her so, in a way.
Me – “Why would anyone have sex with you? You fall asleep trying to please yourself. Who knows what would happen if you try to please anyone else.”
Not to sure if I upset her or not. At that point I just wanted to pour liquor down my throat and find something to have sex with. Once we are in the bar we order some shots and generally start being the loudest group in the bar.
Eventually I can’t hold my sadness in anymore and I get up on a bar stool and start to shout.
Me – “IF YOU FUCKED MY UNCLE THEN YOU CANT FUCK ME! I WANT SEX, BUT NOT IF YOURE AN UNCLEFUCKER!.”
I am up on this stool screaming all this at the top of my lungs with everyone in the bar staring at me. I am asked to get down after a bit and start asking every woman who walks past me if they fucked my uncle, eventually it comes down to me telling them they did and accusing them of it. And all the while, shots kept getting poured down my throat.
At one point we were at the bar and Greg turns me around and has me talk to this one woman, it ends up going very well actually and I talk to her for awhile. Apparently this does not sit well with Greg and he comes over and tells me I am done talking to her and drags me away. Oh well, I was so drunk I didn’t really care at the time.
At last call I realized I had no cash, so I head over the ATM to get some. After 20 minutes of me trying to work it, the bartender has to come over to help me, because I am to drunk to figure out how it works. I walk back over and pay the tab. As I am waiting for the change my uncle thinks it would be a good idea if I saw his wife’s boobs. So he pulls her shirt down, everyone laughs. I guess he feeds of positive encouragement, because he kept doing it multiple times. You got to love family.
At two, we leave the bar and head back to Uncle’s house. When we get there, Greg loses his shit. Not sure why, but he started getting all angry and trying to fight.
Me – “Calm down, you’re being an asshole.”
Greg – (Takes his shirt off) “Oh I’m the asshole?”
Me – “ Haha, yeah, obviously.”
Nobody thinks I’m helping calming him down, so they send me to bed.
As it turns out, after I fell asleep Greg basically went ape-shit. He tried to fight my uncle, punched almost completely through the windshield of his truck, when he got home he threw his Mac book laptop against the wall which shattered it, and also slammed his new 3D TV on the ground. Some fucking night. Oh and as it turns out the cougar fucked me because of me and not my uncle.
Sunday was going to be my nice relaxed day where I don’t drink or do anything. Well that lasted a few hours, until I started drinking mimosas at noon. I keep drinking until four, then had my sister bring me to a friend from high school’s party.
I am one of the first 5 people to arrive, I grab a beer and relax and catch up with everyone. We start playing beer pong, I start getting drunk, obviously. I also start hitting on every girl at the party, I can’t help it, I’m flirty. At one point a girl I never met before, Amy, shows up to the party. I talk with her a bit, then wander off to go harass other members of the party.
Me and Amy have a mutual friend who offers to bring me home, since there is no way I would be able to function a motor vehicle. As I head inside to say goodbye to everyone I see Amy talking to a buddy of mine from high school and he is obviously hitting on her. Since I am leaving and I have nothing to lose, I figure why not go out with a bang.
Me – “Fuck you Tom, she’s mine, I called dibs.”
Amy laughs, and with her knowing that I am in the military, I use this gem of a line:
Me – “You should swallow for your freedom.”
Amy – “Swallow? I don’t think so.”
Me – “How about spit?”
She laughs again, so I sit next to her and tell her to put her number in my phone and that I hope I can see her before I leave the next morning. On the drive home my friend tells me that I should go for it.
Me and Amy end up texting until like 3:30 in the morning, she’s telling me she can’t come over and me not accepting that. Eventually when alcohol and sleep deprivation are about to completely take over, she says she is on her way.
Amy arrives, we head to my room and start bullshitting while trying to find something on TV. TV at 4 a.m. sucks and we make small talk for a little bit. Eventually we start making out, Everything is going well, until I try to take her shirt off, she had one of those strap holders that keep straps held I guess. After me and her both trying to get it off for a few minutes I finally manage to and everything starts running smoothly again.
Amy – “Please tell me you have a condom.”
Me – “Of course.”
Amy – “Good, I know you get more money if you have kids, but not just yet.”
Me – “C’mon I’ll split it fifty – fifty?”
We end up in bed, everything is going well and before I go and get the condom I feel like I need to tell her why I have a value pack of them in my drawer. (I don’t want to come off as a slut.)
Me – “The only reason there is a giant box of condoms is because I bought them right before I broke up with my ex and I haven’t been home to use them. I don’t want you to think I’m a slut or something.”
Amy looks at the box, can see its almost completely full.
Amy – “Obviously you’re not, because if you were you wouldn’t be very good at it.”
We laugh and start having sex. I end up on top it’s going well, she comes, and then offers to get on top since she does not want me doing all the work. As she is working it up there, my bed starts to move, and I mean move a lot. We end up knocking over the nightstand, the bed ends up halfway across my room, and my lamp falls on the floor. We make a collective decision to move to the couch where she continued her impressive showing. We make it back to the bed, I get on top, we finish and then try to reorganize my room.
Amy – “Ready for round 2?”
At this point in my weekend, I am so exhausted that all I want to do is pass out. But now I feel like she is challenging me and since this is the first time we hooked up I feel like I need to make a good showing of it. I tell her to give me a minute, I go grab some water and try to put my game face on.
I get back and we start fooling around again and I start to get into, grab the other condom and start to put it on when I realize it might not stay up. I throw it on as fast as I can, and start to get into it. I can feel myself slowly going soft, while I am mentally talking to myself, trying to convince my little man to man up. I finally realize that it is not a battle I am going to win, I keep going for a bit, with hope that it’ll work out and also thinking that maybe Amy doesn’t notice. It became clear that she did in fact notice when I looked at her face and she had a “I think you should stop this” look on her face.
As it turns out she works in a hospital, and explains to me why this thing happens to men. Lucky me. I try to convince her it was because I was exhausted. I don’t think she bought it. Oh well, there is always next time.