After a few weekends of not going out Dallas, Austin, and me all decided to head out one Saturday night and see what kind of shit we can get into. We go out for lunch and instead of eating I decided to just start drinking. At 4 p.m. we had planned on going to a movie and I am little intoxicated. Let the games begin.
The theater is only a few blocks away from where we were so we just ended up walking there. We pass a children’s museum and I announce to everyone that someone should open an abortion clinic next door and that I feel it will be extremely popular.
Once we get to the theater I randomly tell people that I cannot wait to see “All poles, no holes 8” and have heard it received great reviews. Once the movie is over its time to walk downtown. We pass a group of people playing corn hole toss, one of the women asks if Dallas has a light for her cigarette. He stops to talk to her and is flirting with her a bit.
Me – “Dallas, you are only allowed to hit on hot women, let’s go!”
Yes, that was probably uncalled for, and maybe I cockblocked him a bit, but I was looking out for his best interests. That’s what friends are for. The first bar we stop at is having a promotion where you can paint your own pint glass, I choose to add a breast cancer slogan – “You check them or I will.” After I was done painting, we headed over to our favorite bar and on the way I gave the glass to a married couple.
Now at this point it’s about 10 p.m. and when I normally go out if I see an attractive woman I go and talk to her. For some reason this night, I told Dallas and Austin that I felt as though women should hit on me and I am going to find a booth at this bar.
We have been bullshitting for about a half hour when a bachelorette party comes over to us and asks one of us to give the bride-to-be a lap dance. I volunteer my services, and as I am dancing on her she starts to put dollar bills down my pants. At this point I think two thoughts, 1- I should have trimmed my pubes, 2 – free beer. After the dance we talked to them for a bit but they ended up leaving, so we sat back down in our booth.
Not even 5 minutes after the first bachelorette party left another one came over to hang out with us. Apparently it looked as though we liked to have a good time, which of course we do. Austin and I pick out the two who are wearing the least amount of clothes and we leave Dallas to keep the bride and her three other friends entertained. The girls we are talking to, “Blonde” and “Brunette”, are trying to complete this checklist of shit to do in the bars. Some things include, get a guy’s number, get a free drink, hit on ten guys, etc. Austin and I are helping them complete the list, when the two girls start being catty with each other and we are drawn into some “who can be more of a slut” game. Austin, being the intelligent man that he is comes up with an idea.
Austin – “You girls should get motor boated.”
Blonde – “Hmm….how many points?”
Austin – “25 points”
Brunette – “That’s a lot of points.”
So Austin does Blonde and I do Brunette, and both of our faces are now completely covered in glitter. (They had been putting glitter on their boobs every five minutes.) After this little game, we gather the group up, which is extremely easy to do since Dallas is being the ultimate wingman. He is entertaining four women, doing an amazing job, and these women couldn’t get enough of him. I was quite impressed.
We head to down the street to this other bar, when we get to the door we all get carded.
Bouncer – “What happened to your faces? Did you motorboat these two girls, haha.”
Austin – “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!”
We head inside and dance with the girls for a bit, when Blonde and Brunette drag us over to these couches to make out. As we are making out I notice that our little group has grabbed the attention of a few people standing near us and they were kind of watching us. Which only reinforced my thoughts of me being awesome.
Fifteen minutes before last call we round up our little group and head to our last stop to get giant margaritas. I use the term “margarita” very loosely. It was really a fishbowl filled with only tequila, ice, and a lime. Delicious. As we are sitting there talking about the finer points of blowjobs, one of the group leaves with her boyfriend who came to get her. This upsets the bride very much so and she starts crying hysterically. It was at this point where everything fell apart. I do my best to convince the bride that she is crying because she is happy, but that only works for so long.
The bachelorette party end up leaving, Austin got Blonde’s number and Brunette was in a relationship and also had a child. I sure know how to pick ‘em. This really upsets Dallas, who starts yelling at a women at the bar. I’m not too sure where this anger came from but he went from “Happy go lucky” to screaming “SUCK MY DICK, BITCH” across the bar.
I for some reason figured I’d go and hit on these three women. I tell one of them I like her but not their friend, she laughs. We talk for a bit and end up talking about pick-up lines. I tell them I’ve used “What’s up slut” a few times.
Girl – “If you said that to me I’d slap you.”
Me – “What’s up slut?”
Yes, true to her word she slapped the shit out of me. The bartender comes over and asks me and my buddies to leave. Yes, I got kicked out of a bar for being assaulted. Figures.