Austin, Dallas, and I decide to head out to Raleigh again. I am going with the hope of maybe redeeming myself from the last time I got black out drunk in this town.
After a few bars we all start to pick up the pace. Dallas informs me that his Milf friend that he met on our first night in Raleigh is coming and she is bringing two friends, I don’t get my hopes up. While we’re waiting for them to show we continue to drink and get loud.
As Austin is loudly discussing how he would like to “hate-fuck the shit out of” the girl at the table next to us. We are approached by a guy who tells us that he and about 15 other people across the bar are from a meet up site and he wants to know if I want to run a pub crawl. Of course I do! This kind of shit is my calling in life. So I introduce myself to them all – they are probably the most depressing group of people I’ve ever seen at a bar.
While I’m trying to get the energy of my pub crawl up I notice the table where my buddies are has three new souls at it. I head over to see what’s going on when I realize that it’s Milf-friend and her two companions. We’ll call them CancerPatient – unattractive with very short white hair, and Wildebeest – the name pretty much sums it up. I go to the table to introduce myself but if Dallas thinks I’m going to be his wingman on this he is fucking wrong, I have some shred of self-respect and I will not willingly throw myself to the jackals.
I leave the table and head back to the bar to hit on a member of my pub crawl who seemed into me. I talk to her for 5 minutes, get annoyed and announce that the pub crawl is leaving.
At the next bar, it took me about ten minutes to decide that even I couldn’t make these people smile. So I simply walk off and start hitting on everyone. I told everyone my job that night was a pediatrician and everyone seemed to love my career choice. I ended up meeting a lawyer and her two cute friends.
Me – “So what kind of law do you practice?”
Lawyer – “I’m a defense attorney.”
Me – “Perfect, I’m catching shit for sleeping with one of my clients. Think you could help me out?”
It took them a minute, but they all cracked up. I’m in. I start to make fun of CancerPatient and Wildebeest, they are about ten feet away and the three people I’m with think I’m absolutely hysterical. So I assume everyone will, as they should. After saying things to CP like “If my dick was a cure, I still wouldn’t let you suck it to save your life” and typical fat jokes to WB everyone in the group, including the guys I came with, disliked me to say the least. But by then, I was drunk and didn’t give a shit.
I go and hit on a few other girls there, but it turns out that my escapades offended almost everyone in the bar. I decide to head to another bar, on my way out I pass Dallas and Austin along with the three women Dallas brought along. Milf-friend and her friends are extremely pissed off and Dallas is very drunk, together this apparently means that Dallas wants to now fight me for his lady’s “honor.” I tell him we’re not going to fight, this calms him down. To make amends I start insulting everyone that passes by. The group in now a fan of me again.
I look across the patio and see an attractive woman sitting by herself. I grab my beer and head over to talk to her. I works out good, I’m doing well when the group decides to head to the next bar. I tell them I’ll meet up with them. I finish my beer, grab the girl’s number and take off.
The next bar that I wander into is a three story dance club. There is a ten dollar cover, but I bullshit with the bouncer for a few minutes and end up getting in for free. I wander around for a bit in the bar looking for either Austin or Dallas, I can’t find either, I grab a shot and a beer and head to the dance floor. It was at this point where my judgment of attractiveness starts to fade. I’m dancing with this girl from New York, it’s her birthday, and I offer her a “birthday present.” As we’re making out on the dance floor I hear a whisper in my ear:
Dallas – “She’s fat.”
Oh well, shit happens right? Dallas and I end up leaving that bar to go find everyone else, so we can head to our ritual pizza joint. It was getting close to 2 a.m. and the bars were starting to close down. We find Austin outside of this patio area, Dallas and I are not let in since the place was closing down. Austin has a disappointing look in his eye and I am a little worried about him.
Me – “What’s wrong dude?”
Austin – “I…I…um…I just got raped. WB had my dick out on the dance floor. Dallas owes me.”
I felt bad for the guy but you know the saying “if you play with fire, you end up getting raped on the dance floor.” We get everyone together and start walking to the pizza joint. I decide to stand on the corner and shout inappropriate comments at women passing by – as it turns out that shit actually works.
A good looking older woman walks up to me to tell me that I am acting like an asshole. I respond with “What’s up slut?” She walks past me to a taxi, gets in, and waves me over, I am baffled but head over and get into the taxi.
Me – “Where are we going?”
OlderSlut – “My place, but we have to drop my friends off first.”
Sweet! I’m getting laid. Her friends get in and we head towards their cars. Two blocks into the ride and I notice that our taxi driver looks exactly like the main terrorist in the movie True Lies, I let him know. For the rest of the ride, maybe six blocks in stop and go traffic, he proceeds to get progressively louder and more pissed off telling me that he is not a terrorist, while the women are getting more and more worried. I cannot stop laughing. We get to the first stop to drop of OlderSlut’s friends and I also get out.
OlderSlut – “Where are you going?”
Me – “I’m not going to ride with a terrorist.”
I head back to my corner to shout at some more women. An attractive woman passes me but she is walking very awkwardly. I ask her if her sexual exploits had an effect on the way she was walking. She laughs and says her feet are killing her. I carry her to her car and get her number.
There are fewer people on the street now, so I decide to go to the pizza joint and get some food. The group is still there eating, the random’s are still in tow. I get my food and then announce to the entire place that I will hit on the girls at the table next to me. I think they are hot. Me and Austin get their numbers then throw deuces to the town and head to the hotel to pass out.
We all get up at around 10:30 and decide to go to a local diner to try to beat back our hangovers. Flash forward to 1:30, a few beers turned into three hours of steady drinking and we are all feeling a little tipsy, we end up doing dinner and slowly making our way downtown. We keep bar hopping until we find a cool place with a good vibe and decide to stay for a bit. I end up talking to an attractive waitress at the bar. She has a very southern accent and I absolutely love it. I play the nice guy card, flirting with her and being my lovely self. It wasn’t working at first, but after about an hour of constant flirting she finally started to give in. I was cracking jokes, she was laughing. I was asking questions and doing my best to pay attention.
At this point Dallas was very drunk, having been drinking for about 8 hours already, shouting that Austin was bald and I was a soulless ginger, that’s why I needed to wear a hat in public. Austin, of course, was antagonizing him so neither one of them was really paying attention to my conversation with SouthernWaitress.
Me – “So what do you go to school for?”
SW – “I’m majoring in meteorology.”
Me – “So you want to be a reporter?”
SW – “Yea, I feel like I’d be really good at it.”
At this point Austin chimes in only having heard part of the conversation.
Austin – “Reporters….I don’t know why someone would ever want to become a reporter. They are soulless and useless. They should all just kill themselves.
Me – “Um..yea… she actually does.”
Austin – “No way.”
Me – “Yup.”
How could I be mad? He could not have cockblocked me more if her stood up and punched her in the throat. If he did that I’d at least get to hit him and look like the knight in shining armor. Oh well, there are plenty more women.
Fifteen minutes later a group playing “pub golf” stumbles into the bar. Dallas immediately picks the only three that are older than 40 and reels them in. I’m not interested. They buy shots… nice try ladies, still not interested. We have another drink and Dallas offends them so we decide to take off. The downtown area we are headed to is about ten blocks away, but luckily there are bike taxis. My taxi bicyclist is a woman, with a great ass, I make sure she knows it.
We get to where we are going and hang out with each other for maybe five minutes before we all split up. I head to the bar, Dallas finds a cougar, and Austin finds a bride-to-be and her friends.
Me – “Yo, Dallas, where is Austin?”
Dallas – “With this group of girls, ones getting married or some shit.”
Me – “What the hell are we doing here?”
Me and Dallas abandon the cougar and her friend and head to back up Austin. The good news about hanging out with these women – it was about ten o’clock when we met them, and for the rest of the night they bought all my drinks. I talk to one girl – married. She turns me to her cute friend – boyfriend. I flirt with her for a bit anyways while I get in touch with the girls from last night to see if any of them are down to hang out.
The girl from the pizza joint comes out and I can immediately tell that this girl is down to fuck. One problem – she not what some would call good looking, she had a nice ass though, (sometimes you have to lie to yourself to make yourself feel better about certain things) so that was one redeeming quality. I ignore her at first and search for something better – I failed – so I decide to leave with her. I promise myself that if I am going to do this I need to get very drunk. One hour and many shots later, she is looking kind of cute. Time to take her home.
Good news was she was down for anything, bad news was that my penis went inside of her. I finish on her face and pass out. Next morning she brings me back to my boys and I do my best to wash the shame and self-loathing off of me. Sorry penis, thanks for taking one for the team.