It had been about two months since my first serious girlfriend dumped me out of the blue – over the phone – because she wanted to “go gallivanting around with other men.” Now granted, being dumped sucks, but as I thought about it I realized that maybe she was on to something. About two weeks after the break-up a buddy of mine, Jeff, who attended UConn invited me up for a weekend.
I end up arriving at UConn around 7, find my way to his room and start to pre-game for the frat party we are supposed to be going to at 11. We’re hanging out, bullshitting, when at around 10 a few of his female friends show up and want to tag along for the night. We drink with these girls for about an hour and I absolutely can not stand one of them. Apparently me just being an asshole to her did not get the message across that I had zero interest in her. Granted she was pretty good looking, but she had one of the shrillest voices I’ve ever heard, and when she laughed I wanted to kill babies.
A little after 11 we decided to head out to the party. Apparently the girl I’ve been insulting all night did not get the hint.
Shrilly – “ Don’t go the party, stay here with me, it’ll be fun”
Me – “Ha, no, I’m going to go get drunk and laid.”
Shrilly – “ Well….who knows what’ll happen if you stay.”
At this point, I could have easily just stayed there, banged her, then gone out and met up with everyone else. In retrospect, that’s not a bad idea at all. But instead I threw out this real smooth line:
Me – “Sorry, I don’t fuck fatties.”
She looked very hurt, I chuckled and stumbled out the door, she did not end up joining us for the rest of the night, so sad.
We end up getting to the party at about 11:30, they are trying to charge me five bucks for a cup of Natty Ice, fuck that, jokes on them, I open up my flask and start to mingle. I wander out into the “yard” area of this frat house and start talking with a cute brunette. I’m being charming and funny as hell, my usual self. Jeff ends up finding me with a few friends he found.
Jeff – “Hey, we‘re going to go look for a different party.”
Me – “Alright, let me see if Cute Brunette wants to go.”
So I ask her to tag along with me to find the other party:
Cute Brunette – “My roommate has a few friends over, they have liquor”
Me- “Are they hot?”
Cute Brunette – *giggles* “Asshole…and yes there hot.”
Me – “OK, we’re in.”
As we are getting ready to head out, I announce that I have to take a piss. Jeff lets me know that the bathroom inside has a huge line. Instead of going inside, I head to the back of the yard to take a piss and tell everyone to meet me out front.
The back of this yard has 5 boulders in a U shaped pattern. So I pick the middle one, head over, and start relieving myself. Everyone knows the piss that “breaks the seal” after a few hours of drinking. It takes a while to get it all out. About half way through I hear a moaning noise. I start looking around, thinking someone is fucking in the woods. I can’t seem to pinpoint the noise, then I realize the boulder is moving. Only I realize its not a boulder, it is a very drunk girl who is passed out, wrapped up in a grey hoodie. Oh, and now she’s covered in piss.
I zip up my pants and do the only thing I can think of, turn around and head back to the party. Only on the way back I let everyone know that some girl in the back is covered in piss. Naturally people want to see such a feat. So a decent sized crowd starts to move to the back of the yard.
Instead of walking through the crowd, since I can barely walk straight as it is, I walk to the side and try to avoid everyone going in the opposite direction. This only works for so long before I stumble over a fucking garden and fall into this guy and spill his beer all over him.
Messy Guy – “What the fuck!”
Me – “I know, who puts a fucking garden in at a frat house!”
Messy Guy – “How about I kick the shit out of you, smart ass?”
Me – “Listen, I’d love to fight you and embarrass you in front of all these people but I have a hot date, and I’m horny.”
Well apparently this doesn’t sit well with Messy Guy, who the proceeds to take a swing at me. I step back, he misses, and I get ready to throw down. Little did I realize that I was now surrounded by about 6 other guys. As it turns out Messy Guy is apart of the frat and all his buddies want to now beat my ass also. Well the hell with going down without a fight.
By some stroke of luck by the gods of drinking, Jeff wanders up to me surrounded by a bunch of angry frat guys.
Jeff – “What the fuck is going on here?”
Me – “ I’m about to beat some ass.”
Jeff – “ Yea, that’s exactly what it looks like.”
Jeff being my boy and all, ends up talking them out of kicking the shit out of me. We all end up getting out of there in one piece and are about 2 blocks away from the party when I realize that Cute Brunette is not with us.
Me – “Where did Cute Brunette go?”
Jeff – “To her dorm, call her we’re all going to meet up there.”
Me – “Alright, got her number?”
Jeff – “No, she gave it to you.”
Me – “Yeah, that didn’t happen.”
Jeff – “Fuck, I thought you had it.”
Me – “Fuck you. I don’t want to hear you speak.”
We get back to his dorm, I kill the rest of the liquor he had and end up passing out until morning.
7:30 a.m. – I awake and feel like I got fucked by a T-Rex. I honestly wanted to die. For some reason I decided that that would be the perfect moment to drive the two hours home. I say bye to everyone and head out. About 15 minutes into my drive I start to feel very sick. 20 minutes in and I have to pull the car over while I choke down the vomit. I stop and get some water and then jump on I-84. Then it hits me – I have the uncontrollable urge to puke. It’s coming, there’s no avoiding it. I have a quick decision to make, there is nothing to throw up into in my car so I roll the window down and proceed to throw up out my window, on I-84, doing about 60 mph. It goes all over the side of my car, even hitting a few cars behind me. It was disgusting, I threw up for a solid ten minutes. Once I finished, I rolled my window up with cars driving past, pointing, screaming, and giving me the finger. I turned the radio on and cruised home.