It’s my first St. Patrick’s Day weekend as a 21 year old and I’d been living in North Carolina for about three weeks. Since its St. Patrick’s Day two of my two buddies, Dallas and Austin, and I decide that is would be a good idea for us to go to Raleigh to see the town, hang out, and get drunk. We set out and arrive to Raleigh at around 3 p.m. Dallas wanted to get a hotel right away but myself and Austin convinced him we should drive around and find a good spot to drink at first.
After cruising around town we stumble upon this bar with a huge group of people outside it. I ask the people outside what’s going on and they all tell me that it is the start of a Pub Crawl. I’m excited.
It took us another 20 minutes for MH to park the car, the whole time I’m like a dog on coke in the backseat, hyper as hell. We park, head over to the bar, and buy our tickets to the pub crawl. We grab beers and head outside to find a seat. We have about 30 minutes before the pub crawl kicks off, so I play one of my favorite games: How fast can I get drunk. I head in to grab another round and these four women offer to buy me a shot. I don’t think anything of it, do the shot, and start to head back to the table. Half way there another group offers to buy me a shot, I happily accept and start to make my second trip back to our table when a third group wants to buy me a shot also. Now I’m curious.
Me – “You guys are the third group of people to buy me shots. What’s going on?
Shot Buyers – “There is a drinking to-do list along with the pub crawl and one of the things you have to do is take a shot with a red head.”
Immediately I think “BEST PUB CRAWL EVER” and head back to my buddies with the drinks and to inform them of what’s going on. At 4 o’clock the pub crawl officially starts and we head to bar number two, by this point I’m feeling really good and ready to get the night started.
4:30ish – I’m feeling drunk. Dallas is hitting on a cute girl who works for the D.O.D. After 10 minutes of talking to her, she walks away.
Me – “What happened?”
Dallas – “STDs”
I decide to leave it at that and not ask questions. Meanwhile Austin is hitting on a group of cougars.
5:00 – The pub crawl makes its way to bar number three, I stumble behind the group with the cougars and my buddies in it. I begin to think my game of how fast can I get drunk might not have been the best idea.
5:05 – We get to the third bar. I’m forced to wait in line as the entire pub crawl swarms the bar to get drinks.
5:15 – It’s been 10 minutes and I say fuck this and start to leave the bar, as I walk out these two girls ask where I’m going and why I’m leaving so early. I tell them my dilemma, one of the girls offers me a trade. My pub crawl shirt for her shirt and her beer. Done Deal.
5:218 – I’m outside the bar in a very tight A&F shirt drinking a beer. I’m happy.
5:35 – I get tired of these two girls and tell them so, one gets offended, the other writes on the shirt that I’m wearing. I barely notice and walk off to find my buddies.
5:55 – I find one of my friends getting shit from the owner of the bar because he “broke their fence.” At this point my memory starts getting spotty. Next thing I remember is a girl yelling at me because my pick up line of “What’s up slut?” apparently offended her.
Offended Girl’s Friend – “Just apologize please.”
Me – “I’m sorry your friends a slut.”
They didn’t think it was funny, if they don’t realize my comic genius then they are obviously not the type of people I want to be around.
Next Memory: 7:30 – Sitting at bar four, maybe five, on a pool table watching one of my buddies make out with a considerably older woman.
Next Memory: 11:15 – I’m face down in the back of Dallas’ truck. I don’t remember getting here. I don’t know where either of my buddies are at. I feel semi ok, so I decide to go find the pub crawl.
I stumble out of the truck, the world is spinning around me, and I head towards the last bar I was at. As I leave the parking garage I pass this very cute blonde.
Me – “Excuse me, do you know where the pub crawl went?”
Cute Blonde – “No, but there are a few…”
It was at this point that I threw up all over her. Basically from her waist down was covered in vomit. She looked at me with shock, disgust, and a little bit of sadness thrown in for good measure. I didn’t know what to say so I looked at her, shrugged, turned around and headed back to the truck to pass out, thinking to myself that I probably shouldn’t be out in public right now.
Next morning I wake up in a hotel with a very tight shirt on, I look in the mirror, my self-respect goes down considerably. I take off that chick’s shirt – she wrote her number on it – it was also a XXL female shirt. I don’t remember her being that big, but I was quite intoxicated, I throw the shirt out. It’s been a bit since I last got laid, but a XXL? No thanks, I’ll wait.